First Blog

Hello there,

So this is my first  blog..  So I don't know exactly what to say.  So I will start with a short intro, and go into my life.

My name is Katrina, and I have titled my blog, Le Petite, because I am small.  And it means "The small one" in French.  There are plenty of people smaller than me, but I do think that in my circle of friends, there is only one who is smaller.  So I'm still small, she's just smaller.  Hehe. ^_^.  Anyways, I actually don't like the French language at all. I think it sounds... slimey.  But I do like Le Petite.  I have an account on a website called Gaia Online, from a long time ago, and way back when I made that account, I called it Le Petite.  With some random symbols around it. 

So anyway, I'm 21.  I have a (almost) 3 month old daughter named Keira, however me and her father are not together.  His name is Josh.  Though we are not together, he is still in my life obviously, only as a 'friend' and Keira's father.  I like to read, and write, a lot.  I think that is why I wanted to start a blog.  I prefer typing, over the actual physical action of writing.  So rather than writing in a journal, I decided to write here.

So anyway, today, I am going to write about the last couple days of my life.

I work at a liquor wholesaler, and I used to be in Customer Service (But recently got a different job in a different department).  And while I was in customer service, I didn't really get along with a lot of the people in my department, because I feel like there was a lot of petty drama going around, and in my opinion, when you have a job, you are getting paid to go and do your work.  Not to go and pretend to work, but act like you are in highschool, and talk behind peoples backs, and sneak, and steal, and lie your way into a bunch of crap you don't need.. blah blah blah.  And I spoke my mind about my contempt for my coworkers frequently.  So, needless to say, there is a lot of tension between me, and a majority of the customer service department. 

They weren't all drama queens, and arrogant bastards though.  There were a handful of people in the department that I really liked, and now I miss them all a lot, in my new position and department.  But, nice people are few and far between now a days. (Side note: did you know, nowadays is not actually a proper word?  That's why I split it into 3 words, rather than splurging it all together into one long word).  So to the point, there was a boy in Cust. Service, named Vince, who HATED me.  He really really loathed me.  I don't know exactly why.  Probably because I started to strongly dislike him shortly after he started, and after he returned from his absolutely ridiculous medical leave, the tension just grew and grew and grew.  He applied for the job I have now, before I got it, so we were kind of competing against one another for this job (Which is much better), and his attitude caused me to win.  Attitude, or arrogance, or whatever you want to call it.  He emailed my new supervisor, telling her how awesome he thought he was, and how she needs a man in her department.  Needless to say, HR called him to tell him that he was not going to get the job, due to a lack of professionalism. 

And all the time that we were waiting to hear, he was walking around saying how I wasn't a threat, because he has a college degree and I don't, and how he's better than me, and can do better than I can and blah blah blah, when I trained him!!!  So when he started in Customer Service, I taught him everything he needed to know to do is job.  And he thinks he is better than me!??!  NO.  That grasshopper was never going to surpass this sensei!!!!!!!!!!  dak;ghafghafg  Whatever.  Needless to say, he's bitter about me getting this job.

And All of the old ladies over there hate me, because I put them all in their place at least once per person.  Whatever.  I'm so glad to be out.

And then, this business with my ex (AKA: Keira's dad) is getting more and more ridiculous by the day.  Josh and I were together during most of my pregnancy, though there were plenty of arguments, and break ups, and hiatus', and bouts of not talking to one another, and a whole month where I refused to talk to him because he was so infuriating to me.  But around 17-18 weeks, he came around, and decided that he didn't want to miss out on anything, and he wanted to be with me, and have a family with me and his daughter.  Naturally, I was elated.  He was my first love.  All I wanted was to be with him.  So the pregnancy carried on, and me and him were over all happy together.  There were still arguments, and the occasional questioning of whether or not the relationship was gonna work.  But when it came down to it, we knew we wanted to be together.  (Obviously that fell through, since he is now my ex).  Things between us were good for a while.  We were a team, and we were eachother's best friends. 

After Keira was born, things were still good.  He was in the delivery room with me and my mom, and he came to see us everyday when we got home, and he helped with whatever he could, and was very good at paying child support.  He spoke to me all day, every day, to make sure I was doing ok, and that Keira was doing ok, and I would say we were really good for the first two months or so of Keira's life.  Then, we started to argue a lot, and we couldn't agree on anything.  And his mother and I did not get along at all.  I can honestly say that I believe that she was the downfall of our relationship.  


Before Keira was born, my mom threw me a baby shower, and we offered to Josh's mother (Lisa Z) that she could invite her guests to our shower, so long as she took some of the expenses.  If she had only invited a few people, we would not have asked for any monetary help, but she had invited 11 people!  12 including herself.  And when we were only a few days from the shower, Lisa Z texted/called/messaged my mom, to ask her if she needed her to bring anything.  My mom said that all she needed was 100 dollars to help cover the costs of the shower.  And I think she said that we would love it if she could bring some pierogies.  So, Lisa Z got all upset for no apparent reason, because she waited until 2 days before the shower to say that she wanted to help plan.  Two days.  So my mom got mad in return, and told her not to come.  I told my mom to apologize, and that it was not her place to tell Lisa Z not to come, because it was my shower, and it was about me and Keira, not mine and Josh's mothers.  And my mom apologized, and I asked Lisa if she would please come, because it meant a lot to me, and that if she didn't come, I would be hurt.  But she didn't care.  She's such a drama queen, and wannabe martyr.  But naturally, she ran to Josh to tell him her side of the story, and he agreed with her blindly.  I asked him to talk to his mom on my behalf. and he said no, because he agreed with her.  He refused to listen to anything I had to say.


When it came down to it, she had hurt my feelings by deciding not to come to my shower.  Instead, she threw a shower at her house, for Josh, on the same day, and time.  She used the invitations that me and my mom designed, to have her guests go to her house.  I hate her.  And Josh told me that he thought my mom was rude.  I never felt so furious in my life.  My mom is my best friend.  And he knew that, and he crossed the line.  I told him his mother was nothing but a self centered drama queen.  And he got mad at me.  But I was so furious with his disrespect towards my mom, and me, that I didn't care.  We didn't talk any more that day.  The following day, I tried to explain to him that, when my mom and step father get on my case about him, that I defend him.  And I told him that I was upset that he couldn't stand up to his mom, when he knew that she was hurting me, and that I was crying, and that there was a huge rift in our relationship because of her.  He didn't care.  And I think that hurt me even worse than what his manipulative mother did.  No matter how many times I told him that he needed to stand up for me, he didn't seem to understand...  And that drove a huge wedge between us.  We managed to move on from that, until the beginning of October, when Keira was 7 weeks old, 


We went on a trip to Michigan, which was a bad idea, since Keira was much too young for me to be leaving overnight.  But I didn't realize how dumb it was until I had already been gone one night, and most of a day.  Friday night, in Michigan, me and Josh didn't get there till close to 9 PM.  Maybe a little later.  And we just sat around the fire until bed, and then we went to sleep.  The next day, we had a wonderful day together.  We took a morning walk on the beach, and it was sooo windy, and I got so many silly pictures of him, and the beach, and the little bugs and whatnot that were on the beach.  That was fun.  And then, in the afternoon, we went to town (St. Joe's) and that was fun too.  He took me out to lunch at this little Greek restaurant, and I bought souvenirs for Keira, and my mom and Kevin, and he bought a can cozy.  It was nice.  I got pictures of the drive, and the town.  The town had these cool dog statues in it, and I got pictures of a couple.  One picture I got, was of a blue dog, with clocks/watches all over it.  It was really neat.  And then, we went on a really fun hike through the woods.  I think we must have hiked for 2 miles total, just that afternoon, not including the beach that morning.  And I got lots of pictures of that too.  I found a tiny frog, and got pictures, and lots of weird mushrooms growing on trees, and stuff. It was cool.  


Then, when we got back to the campsite, me, him, and his mother and stepfather, and family friend all sat down to eat some chili, and that's when it went downhill.  While we were eating chili, Lisa made a comment about Keira referring to her as 'Ama' rather than Grandma.  And I told her that I thought it sounded too close to Mom.  Or mama.  She disagreed and said she thought it sounded a lot like grandma too.  But I don't see how..And Josh said to me "Well, I think she has a pretty good point."  I got so mad.  Like, my blood boiled.  And then, his mother started to pick at me and Josh.  She started to ask questions about the decisions we were going to make about Keira religiously, and telling me who I should choose as her God parents, and what religion I should baptize Keira in, and all of that, and I started to get angry, and Josh told his mother that we didn't want to talk about that stuff anymore.  So she stopped.  But I was still angry.  And after we ate, we all decided to take naps.  After mine and Josh's nap, I told him that I wanted to go home, so he took me home.


The following Monday, I decided to confront him about his inability to stick to me, when his mom and I were not on the same page.  He spoke to his mother about the Ama thing, and how I didn't want her to be called that, and she got mad.  Which in turn made him mad, and me and him got into a huge argument, and it ultimately ended in us breaking up.  


I was so upset.  I didn't understand.  He said he wanted to marry me, and living with me, and be with me...  But then, after the argument, he told me he never saw us getting married, and that he never thought it was going to work out.  Even when we were together...  I was devastated.  I cried for days.  So the man I was supposed to spend my life with, left me after I had his child, and the financial weight was starting to bear on me so heavy, and my mom and Kevin were on my case about everything, I was so miserable.  I didn't know what to do.  And then, one night, I was holding Keira, and something in my brain, and heart snapped.


I didn't feel that pain anymore.  I was ok.  I had never felt so ok, since Josh waltzed into my life.  It felt like my heart swelled up with the image of my daughter, and my newly swollen heart filled all the empty spaces that Josh left me with.  I felt like, now that he was gone, I could devote myself to being a mom. I didn't have to worry about making him happy, or whether or not our lack of physicality was really going to be the end of us...  I didn't have to worry about being a girlfriend anymore.  I was so tired of being the backbone of the relationship. I had to hold things together, and make things work for me and Josh for almost 4 years.  I wanted to focus on me for once.  And me only included me and Keira.  Not him.  It was like a huge weight had been lifted.  The hurt, and anger went away, and was replaced with love and caring for my daughter, and a new drive to make my life better for her.  


Me and Josh did not talk for a while.  Like, he texted me once a day to ask about Keira, and that was it. No real conversation at all.  And then, all of a sudden, he started to ask me more questions about me, and my day to day life, and stuff.  It was odd, but after a week or so, I started to get very frustrated, because I was so used to telling him everything, and it was difficult for me to hold back, but I didn't want to be his friend. So I was torn between having my daily friend, who I could tell all of my stories too, and who already knew about my life, and not beginning a friendship with him, because he was not the kind of person I would typically be friends with.  After talking to my mom, I told her that the only reason we were even talking at all, was because we had known each other for so long, and been such a huge part of each others lives since we were 17.  She told me that that's what friends are.  And after that, I'opened myself up slightly more to the friendship.  In some aspects this was a mistake.  In others, I am comfortable with it.  


At first, it was ok.  Relatively safe conversation.. He asked me to see Harry Potter with him when it comes out on the 19th, which was cool, because I love watching Harry Potter with him.  And we agreed that we would go out to dinner that night as well, but strictly as friends. I was able to tell him some of my stories, and some of the dramas that happen daily in my life, which was a relief, because he's the only person other than my mom who already knew all the background that backed up all my new stories.  But then, as the days wore on, I think a week or two passed, and the conversations took a turn for the worse.  The other night, me and Josh were talking about what we would do if we were to individually win the lotto.  We both agreed we would buy a house.  And I told him my house would be 3 bedrooms, so that I could have one more baby.  And he got upset.  He told me how he couldn't stand the thought of seeing me with another man, but that he realized that if he wanted to be in my life at all, that he doesn't really have a choice. He said how he will never get over me, and how he has decided that he will probably be alone for his whole life, and how he hopes that I'm happy with the life I get.  It was frustrating, that he got upset with me for talking about my hopes for my future.  He is the one who said that he never saw us having a future together in the first place.  I told him that I was not ready for a friendship, if we couldn't move forward from all the bitter history between us.  


Then, the following day, he asked me to come and hang out with him at his house on Tuesday, to watch Glee together.  At first I thought about it.  But I knew it was a bad idea.  I told him I wasn't going to come, because I didn't think that we could hang out yet, and that it would be best if we just waited until the Harry Potter movie.  He was upset, and said that he would just sit at home by himself in case I changed my mind, but admitted to having bad intentions.  He said "It's probably for the best, I would have probably tried to kiss you or something anyway."  I knew that if he had tried, that I would have let him.. I told him that and he asked why.  I told him that I can't say no to him.  And that I still love him, and it's easier for me to move on if we only see each other for a few  minutes here and there when he comes to get Keira for his visits.  We were both a little upset by the conversation.  I don't appreciate him taking advantage of the feelings I am still learning to get over.  I was very angry.  I asked him "How are we ever supposed to be friends, if you can't stop saying these things?"  He apologized and left it at that.


Then, today was the worst.  Today was the day that he wanted me to come over.  He texted me while I was on my lunch break at work, telling me that the thing he missed most about me was my smell, and my soft skin.  He told me that he wanted to just lay with me more than anything, and he asked me if I ever thought about it.  He told me that he hated the fact that we were not physical since Keira was conceived.   I told him that even if we had been physical, it would not have saved us.  He told me that he couldn't stop thinking about it, and he asked me if I ever thought about it, if only just to make the loneliness go away for a night.  I asked him what the point of sex was if it meant nothing, and was going to lead nowhere.  He said it was just to feel good for a night.  I told him that I was sure he could find someone to make him feel good for a night without trying to take advantage of me.  And that I didn't appreciate him trying to convince me to compromise my values.  I said sex, and intimacy are too important for me, and even if they mean nothing to him, they mean a lot to me.  I told him I am not a one night stand kind of girl, and that he used to love, and respect that about me. I told him that if I were to hook up with him, just to feel less lonely, that I would just feel gross and slutty afterwards, and he would feel better.  I'm not the same girl I was when I was with him.  I am much better now.


I don't even feel the loneliness.  I am too busy to be lonely.  I could not believe that he would honestly suggest that to me.  He is so ridiculous.  I hope he never suggests it again, because it can't feel good for him to be turned down by me, when for the last 4 years, I promised I would always be his, and I would do anything for him.  It was frustrating for me.  After I got on his case really bad about talking about our past relationship, and the tension, and feelings that are still lingering, he told me that he wouldn't bring it up again.  If he does, I think I will be forced to call off the friendship.


Anyways, Keira is 11 weeks old now, and she rolled!  Me and my mom were soo proud of her.  :) She's so smart, and advanced.  Hopefully she grows up to be a nice, strong, smart and brave woman.  My beautiful angel :).  She is the love of my life.


Until next time,
Katrina